User Dyla N

Unrelated but examples of self-awareness is when I just typed "I'll appreciate it" knowing dang well the extent of my reaction will be an "ahh, I see" or "interesting" and I won't actually feel appreciation, but I couldn't be bothered to scour the dictionary for a word that describes the idea of obtaining knowledge and being intrigued or fascinated by it without any real feelings of gratitude for the person giving that information.

Interesting, about you thinking you needed to come on here.

I guess with blindness, I want to know th extent of what people can and can't see. Usually with blindness I think a lot of us imagine seeing pitch black nothingness, but not all blindness is like that. I'm interesting in the extent of what blind people can see and perceive and how that affects how they do things. Like with your dictating. How does that work? How do you use a computer? Vision is one of those things that you can't really describe unless you've experienced it yourself and know what it's like, and even then it's hard to put into words (kinda like how you can't describe taste unless you compare it to things or have tasted similar foods). Whatever info you can give me, I'd appreciate it.

Working on complimenting people is something I've thought about but haven't put in any work to doing. Sometimes, you just look at a person's face or something and you just like them, there's nothing too specific about them that you like, you just like a random stranger's being. But how do you turn that into a compliment? Everyone exists, would the receiving person even view my words as a compliment?

On your comment (since I have a bad habit of yapping about me and not mentioning the other party), I do think there's no normal when it comes to people, even if society has a way of doing things. If anything, people who stick out are more interesting to me. Sometimes, I wonder what it's like living in the live of someone who has a weird quirk. How does it feel to break a bone or be blind, what do I see, what do I not see? How do I navigate life? What's the mindset of this particular person like? The hard part of life is that there's so much too experience yet we simply can't experience it all...

I don't really have anything else that's been on my mind that I can think of right now, actually. Those were just some of the main ones. But it's nice chatting with someone who I can share my thoughts with, and it's nice knowing about your life too (even if I have to decipher some bits lol).

 I wasn't really surprised to see you post on my wall. I can't quite put a finger on to why. I don't think I ever assume someone will never come back unless they specifically state it, but I also don't expect any one person to stay or leave. People come and go as they do, I don't really make anything out of it.

I'm glad somebody gets the compliment thing.
And I agree, conformity is lame. I try not to be a crowd follower when I can although I also don't want to stick out too much. Sometimes, you just have to adhere to society's established rules, especially with sayings that are about implied meanings rather than literal ones. Just because I deep dive into why a compliment is about the material object rather than the person doesn't mean people agree, deep dive into it like I do, or change the way they compliment. I guess sometimes, the only thing you can do is focus on what makes people feel noticed, even if the words you're saying don't carry any feelings or the literal meaning you would prefer it to.

I get what you mean. I think a lot of the time, I tend to get caught up with the feelings aspect of it, where I think I need to feel something. I've actually been more self-aware with some interactions. For example, words like "feel" or phrases like "I'm sorry" are hard to use because of my self-awareness. Like if a friend has something bad going on or if they're sick, saying I'm sorry or I hope you get better is hard because I don't really. Obviously, I don't want them to get worse or anything, but there's no desire in my heart for them to get better, it's empty. And I suppose with minor things like these, you don't really have a desire for someone to get better after a cold, it's just a saying, but when you really look at the words you're saying, when you have that realization that you're saying words but they don't carry meaning to you, it becomes hard to use them.

Another weird example is compliments. For example, "I like your shirt" doesn't come off as a compliment for me anymore, because when you really look at it, you're not complimenting the person, you're complimenting the shirt. It's not really a compliment unless you made the shirt yourself, as then someone is complimenting you and your work. Otherwise, you didn't put any effort into making it, you're simply displaying the shirt or the design on it, and anybody can do that. Overall outfit designs as compliments are better, but I think unless you say something about the person's appearance themself that adds to the outfit then you mostly just like the outfit or the style itself, not the person displaying it. Not everyone can put an outfit together in a specific way, but is it really the ability to put certain clothing items together and making it look good someone is complimenting, or is it the outfit itself. And at that point, would you like that outfit if it was someone else wearing it? That's why I think incorporating the body is valuable in compliments.

The whole compliments thing actually comes from an unrelated thought about how to compliment people for their being. I don't mean friends or anything, but I mean the random people you encounter or see and there's just something about them, something in their face or the way they carry themselves. Basically, their overall being. There's nothing in the English language to convey the idea of complimenting someone for simply existing and drawing your attention to them for a brief moment. Everyone exists, so it's not really something to be proud of, is it? A compliment like that would likely come off as weird. But this is besides the point.

Like with sayings like "I'm sorry," compliments are one of those things in the English language that are about implied meaning versus when you pick them apart literally. My self-aware analysis of common phrases don't matter if society always uses them and expects you to roll with it. It's a system that's already established and the best thing I can do is be a part of it. The only thing I can really do is conform to the ways of society. It's something I've been thinking about recently, what makes people feel loved? I need to work on understanding my actions and how they affect others, so even if I can't feel or notice that I care for someone, my actions show that I care. It's not something I'm actively doing right now but I will do, hopefully.

I went off on a tangent but the point is discerning if I care for others needs to be something I focus on less, and instead, I need to focus on making others feel loved and cared about. Which is a lot easier said than done, especially since I'm not usually the outgoing type who does a bunch of stuff for everyone. I'll figure it out I guess. Also I can't lie deciphering some of your messages through the dictating is a bit hard sometimes but I try my hardest!

Also with this obsession with the idea of her part, that's kinda something I shut down. Part of the reason the dreams where we become friends again are/were tormenting is because not only is it unrealistic, but it paints this false narrative of who she really is. It's too simple, it's not her.

I don't know what I want in life, with her, and that's part of the reason I identified this as an obsession. Whether it's a hidden desire I haven't identified or all the time I spent with/on her emotionally or in person culminating in this habit of circling back to her, I've latched onto her, looking for her in places I've seen her before, having the memories of her or times we've spent together surface occasionally during certain moments, the endless yapping I do about her. It's attention without a reason, I'm drawn to her without any incentive. And I'll be honest, it was like this back when I was crushing on her, I didn't know where to go with my crush, whether I wanted this crush or not, but at least back then, my feelings were a reason to be drawn to her. Now, I don't really have a reason, there aren't any feelings.

Do I/have I care(d) about her is another question I cycle back to occasionally, but that's a complicated question to answer because I don't really know if I care about some of my other friends. What is care? What does it look like? Is it a feeling? How do other people show care, do they have a feeling, or is it just something they know they have? If I can't really answer that for other friends, then I can't answer it about Allison. Surely, some of my actions have indicated that I care about her or others, but again, I can't answer for certain. Even with Angel of Fate, it's weird because I specifically mentioned that I appreciated her even if I didn't feel appreciation, so it's complicated. Another question I think about far less frequently is why did I have the questions of "do you hate me" with only her, but I can't be bothered to look for answers to that question nowadays.

And let me preface that mild obsession isn't something that's eating me alive near constantly, it's just that I know how to yap about it depending on the moment.

I can give you some of the history between us, from my point of view. This leaves out details like the Angel of Fate memoir I typed about her and overall it sounds negative and is horribly formatted (I was doing this for a bit in a letter of introduction), but I swear that I've had some good moments with Alis, I just don't mention them in this chunk.

"Now I won’t regale you of the tale of me losing my feelings, us becoming friends again soon after (*chilly heart*),me being nervous to approach her at first because I had basically no real friends prior but I eventually managed to do it, continuing to talk with her during 4th period until the time where she got sick and I gave her time alone only for me to convince myself that she hates me and being afraid to approach her and talk to he despite doing it fine for the past few months, me getting the idea of the Nega-Group mostly based on the feelings I experienced during this moment as well as my experience with my online suicidal formal friend (she didn’t die, I think, it’s just that the “British situation” happened), me getting her number at the end of the semester only for me to get anxious to talk to Allison after a summer of barely any interaction with her, talking and being friends at the start of the semester, having a pretty good semester with her mostly until the Birthday Incident happened, rekindling things after a brief arc of not being able to work up the courage to go up to her and talk because she just did not respond to my texts and she was on her phone and that was just to intimidating for me to handle, rekindling things once again and things being fine, just fine,

another summer of like no interaction which was fine until I got anxious again because I was afraid she didn’t like me or something idk that’s what the Unnamed Notebook said, me getting un-anxious at the start of the semester because I saw her and she texted me a few days in, everything going fine until she suddenly stopped texting, sending me down a spiral of anxiety where Anxiety told me Allison hated me and since I had no clue how she viewed me, what she saw on the mask I wore (I view people as wearing theatrical masks, where what’s you see on that mask is the extent of what they are willing to show you and the masks looks different depend on who you interact with), so Anxiety was like the ruler of the iron tight palace I called my mind, swiftly ruling over, Anzia had won, so I pretty much had no other interactions with Allison that semester except for when we saw each other in orchestra once at the end of the day so I- (*fidget*) convinced myself that she didn’t hate me...

until Anzia won again, and I pretty much avoided Allison until next semester where we shared a class (US History) and I avoided her despite being seated in the proximity of her except for one project where we mutually interacted because my other friend Kris made me get off my as- arse to help with the assignment and so I did but we didn’t interact anymore that semester because I pretty much had no reason to interact with her, since I had determined the semester prior that I was mildly obsessed with this person, which is like having the qualities of a crush being the paying extra attention to them, thinking about them more, occasionally not being able to get them out of your head, having dreams about them that either have you end up as friends again but mostly have you two apart, both of which are tormenting, but this isn’t a crush because you don’t have any feelings attached to them, you don’t know what you want, you don’t know if you actually care about them or want them as a friend, you’ve never known what you’ve wanted, even back when you had a crush on them, you don’t even know how you feel about your other friends if you do at all, because “normal” people would have felt something here, right, there has to be some sort of attached feeling, even if there isn’t such a thing as normality, but you don’t feel anything for this particular person but you still pay attention to them,

they are your Lavender, your Alis, your mild obsession, The One That Shalln’t be named, your Tater Tots, your Assault Vest, your Avocado, no matter how much you try to avoid them, you just find yourself drawn back to this person, they are the center of your school life, you don’t know how they left such an impact on you, and no matter how much you tell yourself you must delete them from your mind, you must move on, you simply find yourself unable to, drawn to this person with questions of why you are this way and what to do, if you should try to rekindle whatever friendship you had, if you even want anything to do with this person, why this person sticked when so many other people and experiences did not, if you will be able to move on naturally, if you should reach out and apologize even though this was a self-created anxiety based issue and it would be awkward, if you do have feelings for this person, you have a sort of love for them, even though your heart has gone silent, but you wouldn’t want to be a lover without passion, even if you don’t have any passion, yes, I could regale you of this story, but alas, it is simply too long and I shall save it for never."

I'm clearly passionate about this girl, even if my heart doesn't feel that passion. If I have to ask if I ever cared about her, does that mean I did, or is that confirmation that I didn't?

Oh well. I need to let the poor sap live her own life without my unstable being bothering her anyways...

Dang, I hope (that's a strong word yikes) everything gets well with your sister and everything gets where it needs to be in your life.

Also, yes, it's Allison, my Lavender, my Tater Tots, my Avocado, my Assault Vest, my precious Angle of Fate, my Mild Obsession, The One That Shalln't be named, TOTS be named. Yes, her. It's crazy that she's still the center of my school life at least after all these years.

The current situation is weird and I do not feel like going into it right now but basically she stopped responding to my messages, Anxiety told me she hates me again, I kinda started to avoid her and I think she did me at some points of last semester, although we did interact like once, and now I'm sorta in this state where I'm just mildly obsessed with her. It's kind of like having a crush on her, but without any feelings attached. There's unnecessary focus and attention my mind puts on her, and the memories do not help. It's manageable, but the occasional dream of us avoiding each other or becoming friends again can be really tormenting sometimes, and sometimes there's periods where the obsession is just tormenting in general.

The sucky part is I don't really have anything I can do. I don't share any classes with her this semester, she hasn't responded to my texts in forever, and in general I have no real reason to bother her. In an ideal world I'd like an answer to if she hates me or if she would be open to friendship, because that would give me some direction on where to go, as if she hates me, I have a reason to avoid her besides Anxiety telling me, and if she's open to being friends or not, I can do something there. But unfortunately, that's not the world I live in. My heart is silent. There's no real feeling or deep desire to be her friend or know if she hates me, so I'm in a mostly self induced situation with no direction. All I can really do is wait out this school year with my mild obsession slowly consuming and tormenting me from time to time, which sucks, but I really don't have any better options.

Then again I know one friend who has access to her but I have absolutely no reason to involve them in my issues, even if I do rant to them about mild obsession from time to time.

I’m surprised at least one person I used to know was still here lol doubt anyone else was here though but if you are you, you are come over and say hi and try to be on in a couple days if not tomorrow

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