Primal's Nightmare
Primal opened his eyes to see himself in the Land of Pizza. Everything was made of pizza. The ground, the hills, the clouds, and the sun. All of them were pizza. Pleased, he dug around, eating pizzas as he went. Then he saw it: a giant pizza, even bigger than he was. He grabbed up one end and opened his mouth wide, about to take a bite. But just then, faster than Super Sonic, a boy rushed up to the other end of his pizza, snatched it out of his hands, and somehow managed to fit it into his mouth in one bite. Primal stared in shock and then anger. He had wanted that pizza terribly. The boy licked his lips, laughed, and ran away with that same insane speed before Primal could Water Spout him. He was furious, but went on his way. However, he passed by Pika, who was moonwalking and looked drunk. She was babbling about lameheads and, for some unknown reason, 'goat-headed stereos'. Primal gave her a wide berth. But then a blue-haired boy blocked his path who happened to be Josh Kool. "FUC U PK UR A FUCHED!!!!!!1!!!1!11!1!!!1!1" Primal just blinked at him like he was an idiot, which was true. Then the same boy from earlier zipped up to Josh Kool out of nowhere, braided his hair, tied him up in the braids, and tossed him at Primal. Primal ended up with a dent on his head that said 'FUC FIZZ'. The boy, who was Gau, laughed and ran away again as Primal was even more ticked than before. He ran into Pika again, who had un-drunked and was in a conga line with almost every boy she deemed cute ever. All the boys looked like they were about to drop dead with boredom. "Hey Primal wanna beat up Enneth with Gau and me?" Pika asked. Normally, he would've agreed, but the mention of Gau made him decline. He soon encountered Gau, however. He wondered how many millions of times he was going to encounter Pika, because she was there as well. Enneth was tied to a streetlight, which had a flickering light, and Gau and Pika seemed to be doing some dance and trying to sacrifice him to someone. "DORP ENNETH HELP ME" Enneth screamed, mistaking Primal for himself. Before Primal could reply, however, it began to rain baked beans and Parlor Swipple arrived. "I LIEK TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEE DERP" she screamed. Gau set fire to Parlor Swipple and Enneth, and they turned into baked beans. However, about five minutes later, they had apparently turned back into Parlor Swipple and Enneth because they were REEing at Primal and peeing their pants. Julius and Selena were there as well. "DORP IM HOTTER THAN GUA WHEN I COMBINE MYSELF WITH JULIUS" Enneth said and fused hiself with Julius. Julinneth sported lots of green hair streaked in purple, red, and yellow that grew out of strange places such as his eyes. He also sported eyes the color of baked beans and looked like a girl combined with a blender because he happened to have a blender for his head shape. He had Rubik's Cubes for shoes and high heels taped onto his ears and Primal was going 'wtf' in his head. "ME DORPING TOO I AM HOTT" Parlor Swipple said and fused herself with Selena. Parlena Selwipple wasn't exactly the epitome of attractive. In fact, she was so ugly that flies dropped dead. She had reddish hair sticking out of her mouth and Parlor Swipple's hair, which happened to be purple because she'd dyed it again, growing on her feet. She had a bunch of tiny Enneth heads orbiting her and wore a straight jacket with Enneth x Parlor Swipple fan 'art' painted on it. Her eyes were actually baked beans just sticking out of empty sockets, and her head was the shape of a Wii remote. Her brain, what little remained of it, was sticking out of her ears and was dripping diet tonic water. Primal, despite his usual reaction to blast lameheads into oblivion, wanted to get the frick out of there because he was almost afraid of the horrible abominations against nature itself. But then he heard Pika singing songs she'd sung a hundred times over. She had angel wings and a halo for some reason and was riding on Arceus' back. Gau was standing next to her and yowling along. Kefka, who claimed he was the God of Magic but really looked like a demented clown and the Hulk crossbreed, was screaming about Pika's life being pointless or something of the sort. "OH EM GEE I ATE A KIDNEY STONE" screamed a voice randomly. It was Celes, except she looked like a nightmarish Barbie doll. She then tried to 'sing' Parlor Swipple's newest 'opera', I Peed On An Opera Singer Enneth. Julinneth and Parlena Selwipple 'sung' along. If what he had witnessed before hadn't convinced him that he was high, the scene he witnessed now did. Arceus poked Kefka in the eye, and he turned into a baked bean which Julinneth, Parlena Selwipple, and Demonic Barbie Celes devoured. Then Pika sung songs of praise for Gau, which was interrupted by Parlena Selwipple.
May 19, 2021
by
Gau
"With a shining, pure heart and a loyal soul..."
"OOOOOOHHHHHHHH ENNETH OPERAD AND I BEGAN TO DERPING PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
"Loving crimson eyes and animal hides..."
"THEN I ATE BEEKED BEEEEEEEEEEEEENS AND PEEED DERPING MORE AND MY MOM ATE ENNETHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"A charming way of speaking, a brave fighting spirit..."
"THEN I DOOOOOORPED AND JASH KEWL ATE FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ"
"He is the thirteen year old doombringer...!"
"SO GIVE ME DERPING MONEY BECAUSE I TOTALLY DONT HAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
Primal was about to die and didn't knw which song was killing him more. Then he got to witness Gau shoving Julinneth down Parlena Selwipple's throat and stomping her into a pancake before tossing the lamehead Frisbee into the air. "I AM GOING TO MARRY LOCKE AND THEN SMOOCH MY AUTOMOBILES HEAD LIGHT" Demonic Barbie Celes screamed without noticing that regular cars didn't exist in her world. The lamehead Frisbee soon hit her and absorbed her before flying into the sky and imploding. Gau laughed and then stuck his tongue out at Primal and ate a pizza. Primal, enraged that Gau could eat a pizza without his permission, SCREE'd and tried to hit Gau with Origin Pulse. However, at the last moment, Gau used Vanish on himself. It went right through him, and the dim outline of him stuck out his tongue again as Angel Pika laughed. Primal remembered that attacking spells would remove the effect of Vanish, so he tried using Origin Pulse, Thunder, Ice Beam, and Water Spout. But they all went right through him and he yawned. Primal came to the conclusion that only spells would work, not Pokemon moves. He picked up some magicite that had been sitting there conviniently amd yeeted it at Gau. He re-appeared and stuck his tongue out again, which Primal was getting sick of. He used Thunder, but Gau used Reflect, and not the gimpy Pokemon variety. Funnily enough, it seemed to work on Pokemon moves and Primal was electrocuted. He was very ticked. Gau moved his hand in a taunting manner, and Primal angrily lunged at Gau somehow. Gau dodged him and stuck a hat on his head. It fell over his head and 'sung' Parlor Swipple 'music'. "DEEEEEEEREEREREREREREREEEREREREREREREREREREEERRRERERRRRREERERERERRERREREREREREREEREREERREREERRRERRERERERRRERERERRERERERRERRERERERERERERERRRERRERERRRREREREREEREREERERERRERERERERREREEEERERERERERRERERERERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP I WISH I COULD PEE BUT IM A HAT" it 'sung'. Primal tried as hard as he could, but he couldn't get the hat off of him. He eventually fell over from exhaustion. But just then, Gau opened the top of the hat, holding a baked bean with a Selena head attached to it. He waved with his other hand, grinned in an evil manner, and dropped the baked bean into the hat. Primal's eyes shot open and he found himself awake. It had all been just a dream. But when he got up, as he surely couldn't fall asleep after imagining a Selena-headed baked bean stuck in a hat that sung Parlor Swipple songs that he was forced to wear by Gau, Gau was hunched over, eating his pizzas. "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE" he SCREE'd. Gau grabbed a pizza and ran, laughing through a mouthful of pizza sauce and crust. Primal finally relaxed, but when he listened closely, he swore he could hear Pika's song about Gau echoing in the background.
The end.
May 19, 2021
by
Gau
