Have you heard of the recent controversy involving the tortellini fish? I’d hope not, as it’s been incredibly divisive… but not divisive enough! If you’ve seen anything at all on social media about “saving the tortellini fish,” I feel awfully sorry for you -- do not believe these BLATANT misdirections! The tortellini fish deserve to DIE and anyone who would argue otherwise is blatantly incorrect and wrong. You could just take my word for it -- as it is always correct (as I am an all-knowing deity) -- but if you are an extreme skeptic, I will gladly and generously explain further.
If you don’t know what a tortellini fish is, it is essentially an ugly fish that looks rather like the Italian pasta known as tortellini. Here’s a picture:
(Note that this is its corpse.)
As you can see, it is a grisly, unprepossessing abomination that is as plain as a pikestaff. Simply uglifying. But some crazy imbeciles are insisting that we should be protecting this beastly bugaboo. These people are overly sensitive complainers who are making a fuss about this “issue” just because they were bullied in the third grade. Let us make it clear that these people are hypocrites, as they are eating the tortellini fish in their sandwiches yet advocating for their safety! It’s the epitome of human wretchedness and hypocrisy.
However, I am not so evil as to want to extinct-ify a whole species based on their looks. In fact, one of my favorite animals is the blobfish -- it may be ugly, but it’s also oh-so-cute! The tortellini fish is NOT cute. It is EVIL.
Three very cute blobfish!
Let us also consider the Oreonax Flavicauda and the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus -- these two wonderful animals are nearing extinction but I do not see the same advocacy the tortellini fish get!
The Oreonax Flavicauda and Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus -- we must save these animals!
These animals have incredible moral character, as anyone can see just by looking at them. What the tortellini fish has is an innate evil, which the blobfish, Oreonax Flavicauda, and Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus do not have. “But what is so evil about the tortellini fish?” you may be asking. Well, to (I hope) your great gratitude, I shall explain right now!
The ancient deities -- such as Quies Qwerty, Ann Onymous (how old is she?), and the Orangutan Drag Queen -- divined which animals would be good and which animals would be bad before history and time itself. The tortellini fish was decided to be intrinsically evil, and that is that. Tortellini fish plagued the seven seas while cloaking themselves from the magnifying class of humanity. Indeed, no specimen of tortellini fish was discovered until 1989; their reputation has always been abnormally high -- the tortellini fish has whole cults despite it being a horrible, horrible species. They taint the ocean red by fearlessly murdering other fish and releasing their (bad) blood.
Thus, the tortellini fish is an evil animal! And it is not a mythological piece of folklore -- it is a real threat that endangers all of our lives, and we should do our best to eliminate it. And we can kill two birds with one stone -- we can feed the tortellini fish to species such as the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus who are dying at alarming rates. By feeding the tortellini fish to these totally real animals, we save those wonderful creatures and abolish the tortellini fish!
Now you may be calling me cruel for wanting to kill the tortellini fish. But why? They are horrible, horrible creatures. Name one benefit they bring! I know many of you may be insisting that we need the tortellini fish for our sandwiches and other delicacies. And I quite agree! The tortellini fish do deserve to be in sandwiches -- we can kill off the tortellini fish and then have an abundance of them for our sandwiches (or you can eat them alive, which is equally thrilling). And if you combat this with the complaint that eventually we will run out of tortellini fish for our sandwiches, then you are incredibly selfish and I have no need to communicate with you. Begone!
(I hope we've gotten rid of those tasteless fools already. Let’s hope they’ve left and aren’t sneaking around.) Only those who agree with my stance shall remain -- there is no point having friendly debates with people who don’t agree with me, as I am right all the time. But to those I have converted to anti-tortellini, I am glad that you have the sensibility to open your mind to an enlightening plane of consciousness. Come join my cult!
Apr 11, 2021
by
AureliusReyes
