En-Ne-Th: Derp Meenies
Once upon a time, Pika was forcing Primal to watch Yu-Gi-Oh in the Seafloor Cavern. Unfortunately, she was magically breathing, so she gave commentary on everything everyone said and squealed like a schoolgirl every time Bakura and Yugi did anything that she considered even mildly cute, which was mostly any sort of movement. And blinking. So Primal was in pain. After he Water Spouted her out of the sea because she was wailing about Yugi dying, he decided to go on land. But then he realized that he must've been in there for a year because the world had been semi-taken over by lameheads. "Oh god not again." he groaned. He then saw two Gligurr dupes standing next to a table and holding some cards. But since they were idle like always they hadn't made any moves and had just been standing there and staring at each other for approximately 75275293.5 hours. At the angle he was at, he couldn't see what was on the front of the cards, but he could see what was on the back of them: very poorly drawn artwork of Enneth and Parlor Swipple kissing. He used Ice Beam to freeze the Gligurr alts and their cards and went on his way. But then things started to get creepy. Well, creepier. Everywhere he went, there were Gligurr alts, Josh Kool alts, and tiny bikini-wearing Enneths playing what was apparently supposed to be a card game. Ignoring the fact that lameheads didn't even know what a card was, he found it strange for all of them to be playing it. But then he saw a news broadcast on a TV that was there for no apparent reason. It was Enneth. "DORP IM THROWGING A TOORNAMINT WHERE WE PEE ON CARDS" he shrieked. Then Parlor Swipple appeared. "ALSO WE BEET UP THE DUMBY JERK FROCKY WHEE HATS DERP AND SMOOCH ENNETH" she screamed. Then the TV self-destructed. Primal, realizing that he needed to kill the lameheads before they completely took over the world, went to the unnamed site of their 'toornamint'. When he got there, it was just a random plot of land with signs that said "DERP EN-NE-TH IS KOOL" Primal quickly figured out that En-Ne-Th must be the lameheads' version of Yu-Gi-Oh. But before he could do anything, Enneth and Parlor Swipple fell from the sky, with Enneth having a puke green Maximillion Pegasus wig and Parlor Swipple dressed like Mai Valentine. "OMDERP" they both screamed upon getting up off the ground. Primal prayed to Bidoof that this was some sort of fever dream brought about by Pika being a Yu-Gi-Oh addict, but it didn't seem that way. "ITS A PEEHEDED HED HAT DORP" Enneth screamed. "DORP LETS CHALGENSH HIMMETH TO EN-NE-TH" Parlor Swipple shrieked as a table, made out of peed-in N pants, magically appeared. Words couldn't describe how much Primal wanted to kill everything at that moment, so he used Thunder and electrocuted them. "Well that ends that." he said. He was about to leave when a million Josh Kool dupes randomly appeared out of nowhere. "FUC U PRIMAL U FUCHED IM GOING TO KILL FIZZ WITH A TRUCK!!11!!!1!!11!one!111!!1!" they screamed. Primal let out a great SCREE and used Origin Pulse on them, but for every one he destroyed, two more took his place. And at this point, he was just getting plain ticked off. "YOU MUSTETH PLAY DERPING EN-NE-TH" Parlor Swipple told him. He turned around to see the two lameheads un-miraculously unscathed from his Thunder. He quickly realized that, no matter what he did, the Josh Kools would duplicate themselves infinitely, so he had no choice but to pray to Bidoof again and play the pathetic excuse of a 'card game'. So he went on one end of the peepants table and saw that there was a deck of 'cards' there. Enneth stood at the opposite end and had his own deck of cards. "OH DERPING KAY FIRST WE SHUFFLE OUR PEGS" he said and inhaled his cards before barfing them back out. Understandably, Primal decided to leave his as-is. "THEN WE PICKETH UP FIVE DORPING CARDS AND PEE OUR PANTZ" Primal decided to skip part of this as well and took five of the cards from his deck. He had no idea what the hell his opening hand was because it looked like some kid had eaten crayons and threw up on a peice of construction paper. "ALSO IF WE LOSE PEE POINTS WE EAT BAKED BEENZ AND THE FIRST ONE TO EET ALL THER BAKED BEENSES LOSES DERP" "OK so it's basically Yu-Gi-Oh but lameheaded and disturbing. Got it." Primal said, hoping that Enneth would stop his 'tutorial'. "I GO FIRST BECAUSE IM DERPING EPIC" Enneth said. Then Parlor Swipple broke into song. "OOOOOHHHHHHH EMMMMMMM DOOOOOOORP EN-NE-TH IS COOOOOOOLETHHHHHHH AND WE ALL PEE IN ENNETHS HAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRRR WHICH MAKES ME HOOOOOOOOOT BECAUSE I BROKE THE DERP UP WITH HIM TEN TIMES THIS WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK OH WAIT I MEAN THIS HOUUUUUUUUR ALSO PRIMAL IS A FROCKY LAMEHEAD TURN HEAAAAAAAAAAAAD AND WE HATETH HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM BECAUSE EN-NE-TH IS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL DERPDERPDERP" Luckily, the 'song' ended more quickly than most of Parlor Swipple's 'songs' did, and Enneth put a card on the 'field' face-up. And backwards. It featured a giant eyeball with Enneth hair on it, and it was named "DERPING BALLEYEETH". Its stats were 4639576 DERP and 000000000000000000000000000000 MEENIE. Then it became Primal's turn. He played a card himself, and it was called "FROCKY WHEE HED (WHO SUCK AND ARE DERPING DUMBETH)", and it had a really lame drawing of the frocky whee heads on it. It had 000000000 DERP and 5773568235763288 MEENIE. Figuring out that DERP must be ATK and MEENIE must be DEF, he played it in Meenie Mode. Enneth spent sixteen turns trying to destroy it but failed to realize that his DERP was lower than its MEENIE. And for whatever reason he wasn't losing Pee Points. "All right, I'll also play this face-down and switch my Frocky Whee Hed to Derp Mode." Primal said, even more bored than ever. "WHAT THE DERP I CNAT SEETH UR CARD PEE KAY" Enneth shrieked because of his face-down card. "I know. That's the point." "DERP THATS UNFARI YOU ELEPHANT HEAD TURD BRAIN" "Fine. Attack me and I'll activate it so you can see it." "OH DORPING KAY" Enneth replied and attacked. "Ha! You've activated my... you know, whatever the hell this is." Primal declared, flipping his card face-up. It was called "DERP NOW MEENIES ARE LAMEHEADS AND ALL THAT", and it worked like the card Shield & Sword. It swapped DERP and MEENIE for all monsters on the field, and for some reason the effect was written on the back of the card. "OH ENNETH GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DORP" Enneth shrieked as Parlor Swipple had a seizure. Thanks to Derp Now Meenies Are Lameheads And All That, Enneth's Derping Balleyeeth had been destroyed and he lost all of his Pee Points. Well he didn't say how many Pee Points a player started with, but he ate all of his baked beans so Primal won. "OH WAIT DERP I LOST" "OH EM PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MY FEELIGS WERE DERPING HORTED" Parlor Swipple screamed and slammed her head into the peepants table, which was apparently made of glass now because it shattered. "...OK." Primal said. "EBBETH POOPTURD IM BRAKING UP WITH YOUETH DORP" Enneth suddenly burst into tears and screamed something about a "headphone pee basket". But just when Primal was about to blast them with all of his most powerful moves, a brilliant light split the sky and something began to decend. He hoped it was Bidoof coming to smite the lameheads again, but of course it wasn't. "The... the Dark Magician? What?" he asked himself out loud, more utterly confused than anything. However, he soon realized that it wasn't the Dark Magician either. It was Gau. Dressed up as a Dark Magician. The lameheads peed their pants upon seeing who it was. Gau yowled and used Ultima. When the dust cleared, the lameheads were nowhere to be seen. Primal knew that wouldn't last long though. Gau re-ascended into the heavens as Primal went back to his Cavern so that he didn't run the risk of seeing Pika dressed as a Dark Magician Girl.
The end.
Feb 24, 2022
by
Gau
