I can give you some of the history between us, from my point of view. This leaves out details like the Angel of Fate memoir I typed about her and overall it sounds negative and is horribly formatted (I was doing this for a bit in a letter of introduction), but I swear that I've had some good moments with Alis, I just don't mention them in this chunk.
"Now I won’t regale you of the tale of me losing my feelings, us becoming friends again soon after (*chilly heart*),me being nervous to approach her at first because I had basically no real friends prior but I eventually managed to do it, continuing to talk with her during 4th period until the time where she got sick and I gave her time alone only for me to convince myself that she hates me and being afraid to approach her and talk to he despite doing it fine for the past few months, me getting the idea of the Nega-Group mostly based on the feelings I experienced during this moment as well as my experience with my online suicidal formal friend (she didn’t die, I think, it’s just that the “British situation” happened), me getting her number at the end of the semester only for me to get anxious to talk to Allison after a summer of barely any interaction with her, talking and being friends at the start of the semester, having a pretty good semester with her mostly until the Birthday Incident happened, rekindling things after a brief arc of not being able to work up the courage to go up to her and talk because she just did not respond to my texts and she was on her phone and that was just to intimidating for me to handle, rekindling things once again and things being fine, just fine,
another summer of like no interaction which was fine until I got anxious again because I was afraid she didn’t like me or something idk that’s what the Unnamed Notebook said, me getting un-anxious at the start of the semester because I saw her and she texted me a few days in, everything going fine until she suddenly stopped texting, sending me down a spiral of anxiety where Anxiety told me Allison hated me and since I had no clue how she viewed me, what she saw on the mask I wore (I view people as wearing theatrical masks, where what’s you see on that mask is the extent of what they are willing to show you and the masks looks different depend on who you interact with), so Anxiety was like the ruler of the iron tight palace I called my mind, swiftly ruling over, Anzia had won, so I pretty much had no other interactions with Allison that semester except for when we saw each other in orchestra once at the end of the day so I- (*fidget*) convinced myself that she didn’t hate me...
until Anzia won again, and I pretty much avoided Allison until next semester where we shared a class (US History) and I avoided her despite being seated in the proximity of her except for one project where we mutually interacted because my other friend Kris made me get off my as- arse to help with the assignment and so I did but we didn’t interact anymore that semester because I pretty much had no reason to interact with her, since I had determined the semester prior that I was mildly obsessed with this person, which is like having the qualities of a crush being the paying extra attention to them, thinking about them more, occasionally not being able to get them out of your head, having dreams about them that either have you end up as friends again but mostly have you two apart, both of which are tormenting, but this isn’t a crush because you don’t have any feelings attached to them, you don’t know what you want, you don’t know if you actually care about them or want them as a friend, you’ve never known what you’ve wanted, even back when you had a crush on them, you don’t even know how you feel about your other friends if you do at all, because “normal” people would have felt something here, right, there has to be some sort of attached feeling, even if there isn’t such a thing as normality, but you don’t feel anything for this particular person but you still pay attention to them,
they are your Lavender, your Alis, your mild obsession, The One That Shalln’t be named, your Tater Tots, your Assault Vest, your Avocado, no matter how much you try to avoid them, you just find yourself drawn back to this person, they are the center of your school life, you don’t know how they left such an impact on you, and no matter how much you tell yourself you must delete them from your mind, you must move on, you simply find yourself unable to, drawn to this person with questions of why you are this way and what to do, if you should try to rekindle whatever friendship you had, if you even want anything to do with this person, why this person sticked when so many other people and experiences did not, if you will be able to move on naturally, if you should reach out and apologize even though this was a self-created anxiety based issue and it would be awkward, if you do have feelings for this person, you have a sort of love for them, even though your heart has gone silent, but you wouldn’t want to be a lover without passion, even if you don’t have any passion, yes, I could regale you of this story, but alas, it is simply too long and I shall save it for never."
Sep 22
by
Ditto
Dang, I hope (that's a strong word yikes) everything gets well with your sister and everything gets where it needs to be in your life.
Also, yes, it's Allison, my Lavender, my Tater Tots, my Avocado, my Assault Vest, my precious Angle of Fate, my Mild Obsession, The One That Shalln't be named, TOTS be named. Yes, her. It's crazy that she's still the center of my school life at least after all these years.
The current situation is weird and I do not feel like going into it right now but basically she stopped responding to my messages, Anxiety told me she hates me again, I kinda started to avoid her and I think she did me at some points of last semester, although we did interact like once, and now I'm sorta in this state where I'm just mildly obsessed with her. It's kind of like having a crush on her, but without any feelings attached. There's unnecessary focus and attention my mind puts on her, and the memories do not help. It's manageable, but the occasional dream of us avoiding each other or becoming friends again can be really tormenting sometimes, and sometimes there's periods where the obsession is just tormenting in general.
The sucky part is I don't really have anything I can do. I don't share any classes with her this semester, she hasn't responded to my texts in forever, and in general I have no real reason to bother her. In an ideal world I'd like an answer to if she hates me or if she would be open to friendship, because that would give me some direction on where to go, as if she hates me, I have a reason to avoid her besides Anxiety telling me, and if she's open to being friends or not, I can do something there. But unfortunately, that's not the world I live in. My heart is silent. There's no real feeling or deep desire to be her friend or know if she hates me, so I'm in a mostly self induced situation with no direction. All I can really do is wait out this school year with my mild obsession slowly consuming and tormenting me from time to time, which sucks, but I really don't have any better options.
Then again I know one friend who has access to her but I have absolutely no reason to involve them in my issues, even if I do rant to them about mild obsession from time to time.
Sep 22
by
Ditto
