Once upon a time, I played Car Battler Joe. The result? Me quoting almost every bloody thing that escaped from my mouth. So now I shall give you a taste of what it looks like when my brain careens off its rails and falls down my spine.
WARNING: what (no seriously what)
"Either get shot or get goin'!"
"Hey! Get off my road!"
"I'm gonna shoot you because, you know, reasons."
"You make me sound like the coolest guy ever!"
"Mom! I wanna upgrade my garage!"
"I stayed up all night to get an IronFrm!"
"What the hell's wrong with the wall? Looks like some graffiti artist vomited on it."
[Poetic.]
"Well, what the frick did you need the Cement for, eyeliner?"
"Daww, someone knows my name..."
"Oh great, I have to transport a girl. She'll probably see how cool my car with a machine gun attached to it is and my whole life'll be a wreck afterward."
"Safe transportation? I have a car with a gun on it, I blow up everything that crosses my path while screaming at the top of my lungs, and they expect safe transportation?"
"Please say she's just there to be there, please say she's just there to be there..."
"Geez, what did I ever do to you except try to kill you?!"
"What? The cred-der-up?"
[I have no idea what item I got there but that wasn't its name.]
"How is a fricking soda supposed to repair my car?"
"I have to drive you someplace slowly? How about I toss you out of my car window and you walk there slowly?"
"Yeah, we're driving slowly! With only minor detours to blow everything up!"
"Why is there a bloody cannon here?"
"Hello, Josephine! Now die, Josephine."
"Now I gotta go in some dweeb's house? This better be good..."
"Did I just get set up? Damn it, Marion! IF I die, we're gonna have to have a little talk!"
"Cool! I get to shoot stuff! Aaaaahahaha!"
"Come on, kids! See what my car can do!"
"Gau wins by doing pretty much nothing."
[Oh yeah, I named him Gau. My creativity is so deep.]
"D-Did you just hit on me...? I mean, I know I'm great, but really, kid?"
"Man... that's cute!"
"Wait, so what you're telling me is that only boys are Car Battlers? Sweet!"
[Unfortunately not.]
"No one asked if you were set!"
"Cool! A TLEngineNT or... something like that."
"Dude, seriously. Stop hitting on me. I know I'm a cute spiky-haired boy, but that's no excuse."
"Hey, I- I just said no!"
"Oh my god! Holy crap! What is that?!"
"Yeah! I'm hot tonight!"
"Yo, dudes."
[The deepest, most profoundly poetic quote of all.]
"Who's this clod? Oh. Exactly that. A clod."
"Okay, that was cute too."
"Don't know what that is, but I want it!"
"Ah, magical soda has saved my skin once again."
"Okaaay... stay away from me."
"My car! My beautiful and admittedly awesome car!"
[Geeroo's first loss.]
"See ya, street smarts!"
"Well, there goes Lightning McQueen."
"Nah, dude, I'm acin' this."
"Do not mess with a flamin' redhead, boys!"
"Oh god, it's hot pink. As if having your rear handed to you by me wasn't humiliating enough."
"All right, you destroy yourselves and I'll move in for the kill."
"Stinkin' saw boy!"
[saw boy]
"Sweet, baby!"
"Will you idiots shut up about my dad?!"
"Battler of the Wild? Gau really is a Car Battler?!"
"I'm coming, everyone! I'll save you!"
"Who gave all these idiots cars?!"
"They come to play, but they never last! Oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh, I'm unbeatable! Joe or Gau or whatever... Car Battle!"
"Wow. Singing, drunk, and shooting motorcycles. What a fun night."
[Apparently I decided I was drunk at some point. Understandably.]
"Why is everyone dropping chickens?"
"And alas, my cargo space majestically shrunk."
"Oh dear, car spiders."
[car spider]
"Did I just shoot at a bolt of lightning?"
"No! Joey has his whole life ahead of him!"
"Great, now the car spiders are electric."
[c a r s p i d e r]
"Cool! I just shot out a chicken!"
"Oh, a village full of creepy women? Wonderful. Where's the village full of hot spiky-haired boys for me to hit on?"
[Annnnd my brain cells have melted.]
"This music puts me in a mood. I could just shoot out chickens!"
"Ah, nothing like ticking off car spiders down the road."
[CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR SPIDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS DUH-NUH DUH-NUH DUH-NUH DUH-NUH-NUH-NUH]
"Yeah, that's me, Todoroki!"
"Wait, who the hell are you, and can you die fast?"
"Oh, just this guy again? Come on."
"God, stop going on about your love story! I've seen more romance in Super Mario Bros.!"
"Oh great, I got a fangirl too."
"I didn't know we were on a last-name basis, Blondie."
"What's this, the locker room?"
"I am so gonna kick his rear."
"Yeah, you just proved that you can drive aimlessly in circles and hit me a few times while your car sparks with damage."
"Haha! My fan club just knocked you over!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! Cool!"
"Eat your bloody chicken and upgrade my garage!"
"What's that?! Why's there an arrow?!"
"Did you know that I'm the son of the name of Jim Todoroki? Oh wait..."
[Name is my father.]
"What happened to the oldies? Did they join my fan club?"
"Oh god. I gotta help the grandparents of that girl with a crush on me again, don't I?"
"Well, this is slightly fishy."
"I took the long way out of laziness. Welcome to irony, may I take your order?"
"Even the mayor's a Gau Todoroki Fan Club member."
"Great, I got a stalker..."
"We're brothers now?"
"Well, that was rather charming."
[How to be charming in one easy step: laugh.]
"Whee, ice!"
"There's probably a plot twist... please?"
[oh god I'm about to break down aren't I]
"When it doubt, chase after cars and blow up everything in your path!"
"I need some flaming bedsheets of death over here!"
"Mazes... and idiots. Florence be damned."
[(amused snorting)]
"Ah, another of those cute moments. Followed by some ugly moron who's gonna get his face blasted off."
"Don't call my dad a fool, you freaking- you're the one with a metal block sewed onto your ugly mug!"
"I missed what you were saying. Now it's time to die."
"Well, that was easy- oh god."
"What the hell's that?! Looks like the Iron Masked Marauder made it!"
"Oh god, everyone loves me!"
"Who are you again? Ya look like you got kicked outta Team Skull."
"What the frick?! I won?! That took about five seconds!"
[Very disappointing, by the way. Some final boss that was.]
"General Gaufie speaks!"
"Did I just blush?"
[Most profound quote of the decade right there, mate.]
"Hey, what about that one annoying girl who hit on me?"
"Holy crap! What?! The credits are rolling?! I-I didn't even..."
[Dunno what I was gonna say after that. Anyway it's time for my TRUE breakdown.]
"Oh my god. The credits are rolling... t-that's it?!"
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 2]
"Oh great, my rival stalker man is crying."
[Hate it when that happens.]
"W-We're friends?"
"Hot dog! I get to go to the Battle League!"
"Yeah, me and my hot, fancy garage...!"
"God, it all escalated so quickly..."
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 3]
"Yeah, I'm a big boy!"
"God, I wish that idiot could see me now. wait until she learns that I beat up those evil morons."
"My life wasn't even threatened or anything... just some braggy dimwit..."
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 4]
"Oh, another village to develop? Oi."
"A frickin' third one? This is getting slightly insane."
[...Just now?]
"Oh dear... well, here we go..."
"Hehe, I'm way cool."
"Yeah! A kid with spikier hair than you! And a fan club."
"Oh god. Now the creepy women have crushes on my dad."
"Ah, yeah, the girls..."
"CardOD!"
"I love this game, but sometimes I hate it."
[deep.]
"Hey, it's me, the Cement Savior."
[cement]
"Five levels?! What the hell?!"
"Oh no, I got zippy zapped. And you got shotty shot."
creys a lot
Jun 10, 2022
by
Gau
