N's Card Game
One day, Pika was joining Hau, Gladion, and Primal for a game of poker. When she reached the table, she noticed that Hau wasn't there. "Where's Hau?" she asked. Gladion and Primal shrugged. But then Hau came stumbling toward them, clearly drunk, and fell face-first into the table, knocking himself unconscious. They all stared at him with 'what even' expressions on their faces. But then a loud shrieking reached their ears. "OH DERRRRRP! WHERE'S MY PEE BRAIN-FLAVORED CHAMPAGNE?!" N came running in, frantic, and noticed Hau unconscious. "HE STOLE MY PEE CHAMPAGNE! NONONONONO!" he screamed. Then he realized that the three poker players' faces had turned angry. Thanks to N, one of their players was out. "DERP POKER YAY CAN I JOIN?!" "Sure." came Pika's reply. She wanted to crush N and take his money at the same time. Gladion shoved Hau off of the table and their poker game begun. However, N was holding the cards upside-down and backwards, and instead of using poker chips, he was using potato chips. Obviously he was losing, and they took advantage of this. Soon, their pockets were loaded with money, and Pika ate N's potato chips. "I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME! DERRRRRPY DORP DORP...!" N wailed. Upon hearing N's annoying lameheaded whining, Hau regained consciousness. "That was the worst apple juice I've ever drank in my life..." he whimpered. Primal filled him in on the situation, and now he wanted to play against N as well. But N didn't want to lose any money nor did he want to play poker anymore. "WAIT, DERP! LET'S PLAY MY FAVORITE CARD GAME!" "What game is that?" Gladion asked. "PARLOR SWIPPLE'S MAGICAL TRAGICAL HEAD INJURY!" N replied. He took out a deck of cards and handed them to Gladion, who looked at the back of them. "Pardon me, but I don't understand what derpy N cupids have to do with Parlor Swipple, magic, tragic, or head injuries." he said. Pika, Primal, and Hau burst into laughter upon seeing that the design on the back of the cards was indeed a derpy N cupid. "I'LL TELL YOU THE RULES, DORP!" N said and took some cards out of the deck. "THE N HEAD CAN BE PAIRED WITH THIS PARLOR SWIPPLE HEAD, BUT ONLY IN A CERTAIN ORDER! IF PARLOR SWIPPLE HEAD IS PAIRED WITH N HEAD, THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO DISCARD THEM BOTH, SO YOU CAN ONLY PAIR N HEAD WITH PARLOR SWIPPLE HEAD, DERP! PAIRING CARDS GIVES YOU AN INFINITESIMAL AMOUNT OF POINTS! DERP, AND THIS LUSAMINE EYEBALL CAN BE PAIRED WITH NOTHING AND GAINS YOU FOUR HUNDRED SCREES WHEN YOU PAIR IT! BUT WATCH OUT FOR THE EVIL CARD! THIS CARD TAKES AWAY YOUR POINTS AND FLOATS WHILE SAPPING AWAY AT YOUR GOLF CLUB, DERP! PULL IT AND YOU'LL LOSE! ANY QUESTIONS?" The evil card's design was a ticked-off rock and a derpy five-eyballed head. "Far too many." Gladion said with a raised eyebrow. "OKAY LET'S START THE GAME DERP!" N yelled. They all sat down at the table as N dropped the cards on the floor and picked them up repeatedly until they were shuffled. He handed ten cards to each player, and all the players promptly tried to get their cards in the right direction. "AND REMEMBER, DERP: NEVER LET YOUR OPPONENTS SEE YOUR HIDDEN FIVE-LEVEL SHIRT!" Pika, Gladion, Primal, and Hau looked at each other in confusion. Gladion paired an N head with a Parlor Swipple head, raising his points. N gave him two new cards to fill his hand. Primal placed three Lusamine eyeballs on the table, earning him an unknown amount of screes and three new cards. Hau also paired an N head with a Parlor Swipple head, giving him two more cards. They did this until the deck had run out of cards, which didn't take long. It was N's turn. He had a smug smile on his derpy face. "I'LL PLAY THIS, DERP DERP DORP!" On the table he placed the evil card. "You lose." Primal said. N looked at the card, then at Primal, then at the rules he had written down in Russian. "HOLY DERP I DID LOSE! CONGRATTING DERP TO YOU!" he said. The group looked at each other again. Suddenly, Parlor Swipple fell through the roof, smashing the table into bits. "DORP! I HAVE A MAGICAL TRAGICAL HEAD INJURY OF OWIE!" she cried. N picked her up by her hair and ran away, leaving the Parlor Swipple's Magical Tragical Head Injury deck behind.
The end.
Dec 2, 2020
by
Gau
