Wall for Amethyst (page 188)

i have no idea what im doing on this wall

sPEakIng OF hOUSeKeEPerS

Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.

Yes yes, think of how many earned precisely 0.7% of the vote in Missouri and were so unfairly snubbed their rightful title!

especially that 0.7% of it!

i particularly enjoyed this:

Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but after double-checking the party’s rules, it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020,” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section of a crumbling, yellowed document that contains the esoteric bylaw. “I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race. But last night, while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate, we came across this forgotten section of our charter, and, well, it all checks out. I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part. With 100% of precincts now reporting, it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7% of votes in the Missouri primary yesterday. And so the time has come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States, Tulsi Gabbard.” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons (D-NC) in 1920.

thanks, i'm only writing the lesser funny ones, the others are from tHe onIOn (don't know if you knew that, so if not, i will have disappointed you gReAtlY)

Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be absolutely priceless,” said the squirrel, laughing to himself as he thought about the visceral disgust and horror his death would cause the man for at least a few hours. “If things work out, he’ll be able to catch a glimpse of my bloodstained body still twitching slightly in his rearview mirror and just feel like a complete piece of ****. It’s going to be so great!” The squirrel also confirmed its intention to have its battered carcass picked apart by crows in an effort to ruin the man’s drive back home.

Teehee I have another but I will have to email it as it is too vile to put here

Ah that makes sense.

Teheee I shall stop with thsoe