Wall for Amethyst (page 189)

i cant help with these

TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything. According to reports, the unrepentantly cruel individual was observed browsing the shop for nearly 20 minutes, yet was unable to find room within his shriveled, blackened heart to make even a token purchase at the independent, family-owned business. Though McKenzie picked up and examined several items during his twisted jaunt through the store, sources confirmed that the incredibly callous man returned each of them to its display, even possessing the unthinkable malice required to make eye contact with and smile at the store’s proprietor while carelessly re-shelving a handmade candle. At press time, sources confirmed that the misanthrope had strolled past the cash register toward the store’s exit without exhibiting so much as a trace of remorse, uttering a curt “thank you” over one shoulder in a final act of viciousness.

Discord

CULVER CITY, CA—Drawing criticism for repeatedly distracting from the iconic game show’s proceedings, Jeopardy! guest host Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly came under fire Tuesday for claims he could have cured Alex Trebek’s pancreatic cancer with these three simple tips. “Look, he wasn’t terrible, but I just wish Dr. Oz would have stayed focused on the contestants instead of talking so much about how home remedies like fresh turmeric and ginger tea can shrink pancreatic tumors in miraculous ways,” said longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian McGill, 37, echoing millions of viewers whose patience was tested by Oz’s decision to ask the contestants if $19.99 per month was too much to ask for a proven blend of red palm oil and hot pepper jelly that could have added decades to Trebek’s life. “He was a fine host, I guess, but there was hardly any time to devote to the trivia with all the tangents he kept going on about how antioxidants—which are apparently emphasized in the Dr. Oz $1 diet—would have been the perfect way to restore Trebek’s health, trim his waistline, and rebuild his libido.” Richards added that he also felt it was inappropriate for Oz to use the clue to Final Jeopardy, “this Scott Hamilton best-seller has helped millions across the country to embrace their inner dynamo” to promote the self-help book Finish First: Winning Changes Everything.

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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Coordinating to lambast the publication across social media platforms, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly furious Thursday after the artist was excluded from ESPN’s list of the best NBA players of 2020. “This has been one of the most definitive years of Taylor’s entire career—where the hell is she at?” said local fan Brooke Erickson who, along with thousands of others of Swift’s loyal supporters, began tagging the site’s author and editors on Twitter demanding to know why the musician was snubbed. “Taylor Swift is one of the hardest working and most talented people in the industry, and this is how they treat her? I want to know what metrics they’re using. Assist rate? Games played? Hey, how about you play Folklore from start to finish instead and try to tell me you don’t feel something. Who the **** is Kawhi Leonard? This just shows how irrelevant ESPN has become.” At press time, Erickson added the omission was especially senseless considering Dua Lipa was ranked number nine.

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing there was no way they were wrong about this, the nation told reporters Wednesday they could have sworn there had already been a first female vice president. “Everyone’s calling Kamala Harris the first woman to be elected vice president, but surely there was at least one before that, right?” said 330 million Americans in unison, frowning as they racked their brains and pulled out their phones to verify who Condoleezza Rice was and whether she had ever been vice president. “Really, not one? I don’t believe it. I know there’s never been a female president, but a vice president? Come on. Wasn’t FDR’s wife vice president? No? Hmm. What about that one lady, uh, RBG? Hillary Clinton? It would be pretty disrespectful if they were overlooking Hillary Clinton. Cleopatra? Barbara Bush? Oh yeah, there’s Angela Merkel, but I guess technically she’s a different country. One second, it’s on the tip of my tongue.” At press time, the nation confirmed they were pretty confident it was Laura or Lauren something.

I keep reading tHe oniOn:

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Wiping joyful tears away from the corners of her eyes, local woman Tricia Ramsey reportedly gushed “Just like a fairy tale” Saturday while watching Prince Philip’s royal corpse being tossed into a furnace. “Oh, wow, this is just like every little girl’s dream,” said Ramsey, who was overcome by awe with just a tinge of longing as she witnessed a team of royal staffers shove the Duke of Edinburgh’s body roughly inside the incinerator while scores of cheering, jubilant Britons across the nation raised pints while watching the televised event in pubs and waved Union Jack flags in the streets. “Look at that smoke! I can only hope one day my cadaver will go up in flames like that. What a day! I’m just so emotional, I know we won’t forget about this one soon.” At press time, Ramsey was singing “God Save The Queen” while trying to catch a piece of falling ash in her mouth.

"Blank Space" is a song by American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift, taken from her fifth studio album, 1989. The song was released to US radio stations as the second single from 1989 on November 10, 2014, by Republic Records in partnership with Swift's label at the time, Big Machine. Swift co-wrote "Blank Space" with its producers Max Martin and Shellback. For the lyrics, she conceived the song as a satirical self-referential nod to her reputation as a flirtatious woman with a series of romantic attachments, which blemished her once-wholesome girl next door image. Musically, it is an electropop song with minimal hip hop-influenced beats.

"Blank Space" spent seven weeks atop the US Billboard Hot 100. It was certified eight times platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and had sold 4.6 million copies in the US by July 2019. It also topped charts in Australia, Canada, Iceland, Scotland, and South Africa. The International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) reported that "Blank Space" was one of the best-selling singles of 2015, with 9.2 million track-equivalent units. Critics praised the song's production and Swift's songwriting; some picked it as 1989's highlight. The song earned three nominations at the 58th Grammy Awards, including two general categories: Record of the Year and Song of the Year. It featured on decade-end lists by such publications as Billboard, Rolling Stone, and Slant Magazine.

Joseph Kahn directed the music video for "Blank Space", which depicts Swift as a jealous woman who acts erratically upon suspecting her boyfriend's infidelity. Photography took place mostly at Oheka Castle, with a few additional scenes shot at Woolworth Estate. The video won Best Pop Video and Best Female Video at the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards. Swift included "Blank Space" on the set lists for two of her concert tours: the 1989 World Tour (2015) and Reputation Stadium Tour (2018). The song has been adapted into cover versions of different genres by several rock musicians, including I Prevail and Ryan Adams.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDVKta8zP1k