Wall for Amethyst (page 191)

coconuts truly do have unmatchable grace
 Mar 20 by AureliusReyes

i searched "spiff sass and spunk" on google and am in marvelment to see all three results are ME

i dont even know what it's trying to say but i find it silly

i have the most bizarre sense of humor, bc i laugh at whatever the heck this is

In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip, such as “Remembering better days” or “Than you John Cougar for this Incredible ANTHEM song [sic],” set a nearly insurmountable standard of pitifulness, their subtle pathos was quickly outdone by the later statements of YouTube user Celtics_76, who described a wife who had “loved this song” and how the rhythm guitar riff “still makes me think of her even 7 years later. RIP Julia.” Additional analysis suggested that while the simple note, “**** cancer,” hinted at a possible capstone to the mountain of sadness evoked by viewers of the heartland rock song, such speculation was ultimately rendered premature when user Petty_Tomorrow jumped into the fray to ask “who loves this song comment me if you do,” igniting a minor storm of absolutely heartrending subcomments suggesting personal disability, family trauma, and an almost unspeakable longing for the years that have passed since the song’s July 1982 debut. At press time, further information confirmed that the escalating trend had fortunately come to an end after John Mellencamp’s verified account posted “Personally, I think it still holds up—What do you guys think?” in the video’s comments.

i have no idea what im doing on this wall

sPEakIng OF hOUSeKeEPerS

Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.

Yes yes, think of how many earned precisely 0.7% of the vote in Missouri and were so unfairly snubbed their rightful title!

especially that 0.7% of it!

i particularly enjoyed this:

Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but after double-checking the party’s rules, it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020,” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section of a crumbling, yellowed document that contains the esoteric bylaw. “I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race. But last night, while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate, we came across this forgotten section of our charter, and, well, it all checks out. I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part. With 100% of precincts now reporting, it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7% of votes in the Missouri primary yesterday. And so the time has come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States, Tulsi Gabbard.” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons (D-NC) in 1920.

thanks, i'm only writing the lesser funny ones, the others are from tHe onIOn (don't know if you knew that, so if not, i will have disappointed you gReAtlY)