Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be absolutely priceless,” said the squirrel, laughing to himself as he thought about the visceral disgust and horror his death would cause the man for at least a few hours. “If things work out, he’ll be able to catch a glimpse of my bloodstained body still twitching slightly in his rearview mirror and just feel like a complete piece of ****. It’s going to be so great!” The squirrel also confirmed its intention to have its battered carcass picked apart by crows in an effort to ruin the man’s drive back home.
Apr 17, 2021
by
AureliusReyes
In an unexpected turn of events, middle school geometry teacher Andrea Guilfoyle has contracted COVID-19 and has lamented to the school’s staff, claiming they hadn’t taken proper precautions. Prior to this incident, Guilfoyle had been reported by students to not be wearing a mask while teaching, which they claim to be the reason for this contraction. In response, Guilfoyle stated:
“It is obnoxious what these children are claiming. Whether or not I wear my mask isn’t really important, what’s important is that I got COVID and these children are making it about how I don’t wear my mask. Me wearing my mask and getting COVID aren’t related. I’m an old woman, and I don’t need this suffering, only decency and a bit of understanding.”
The children had contacted the school’s principal, Genevieve Squire, long before Guilfoyle had attracted COVID, reportedly expressing concern in a sternly worded email about their teacher’s maskless-ness.
On Friday, Principal Squire spoke about this whole kerfuffle, stating the following:
“It deeply saddens me that one of our staff has contacted COVID, and it disheartens me to know that our students are concerned about their safety. We, as a school, have always been proactive about being fair and democratically-minded, from how we plaster a diverse cast of students on our website when in fact 75% of our student body is white, to how we’re treating this virus: when the students emailed me about their teacher’s maskless-ness, I made it my top priority to contact their teacher about this. However, it’s top-ness was dethroned quickly by a new Lana Del Rey album; I found it more important to listen to than talk to the teacher, which I’m sure you can understand. I’m also sure you can understand how I forgot to contact Ms. Guilfoyle during the course of listening to the album -- Lana Del Rey is simply a fantastic musician! I should talk to her about that mesh mask, though….”
Some students have started to rally to take matters into their own hands, but a combination of nihilism and a sense of self-uselessness has disincentivized them to take any action whatsoever.
Apr 17, 2021
by
AureliusReyes
