Once upon a time, I played Car Battler Joe. The result? Me quoting almost every bloody thing that escaped from my mouth. So now I shall give you a taste of what it looks like when my brain careens off its rails and falls down my spine.
WARNING: what (no seriously what)
"Either get shot or get goin'!"
"Hey! Get off my road!"
"I'm gonna shoot you because, you know, reasons."
"You make me sound like the coolest guy ever!"
"Mom! I wanna upgrade my garage!"
"I stayed up all night to get an IronFrm!"
"What the hell's wrong with the wall? Looks like some graffiti artist vomited on it."
[Poetic.]
"Well, what the frick did you need the Cement for, eyeliner?"
"Daww, someone knows my name..."
"Oh great, I have to transport a girl. She'll probably see how cool my car with a machine gun attached to it is and my whole life'll be a wreck afterward."
"Safe transportation? I have a car with a gun on it, I blow up everything that crosses my path while screaming at the top of my lungs, and they expect safe transportation?"
"Please say she's just there to be there, please say she's just there to be there..."
"Geez, what did I ever do to you except try to kill you?!"
"What? The cred-der-up?"
[I have no idea what item I got there but that wasn't its name.]
"How is a fricking soda supposed to repair my car?"
"I have to drive you someplace slowly? How about I toss you out of my car window and you walk there slowly?"
"Yeah, we're driving slowly! With only minor detours to blow everything up!"
"Why is there a bloody cannon here?"
"Hello, Josephine! Now die, Josephine."
"Now I gotta go in some dweeb's house? This better be good..."
"Did I just get set up? Damn it, Marion! IF I die, we're gonna have to have a little talk!"
"Cool! I get to shoot stuff! Aaaaahahaha!"
"Come on, kids! See what my car can do!"
"Gau wins by doing pretty much nothing."
[Oh yeah, I named him Gau. My creativity is so deep.]
"D-Did you just hit on me...? I mean, I know I'm great, but really, kid?"
"Man... that's cute!"
"Wait, so what you're telling me is that only boys are Car Battlers? Sweet!"
[Unfortunately not.]
"No one asked if you were set!"
"Cool! A TLEngineNT or... something like that."
"Dude, seriously. Stop hitting on me. I know I'm a cute spiky-haired boy, but that's no excuse."
"Hey, I- I just said no!"
"Oh my god! Holy crap! What is that?!"
"Yeah! I'm hot tonight!"
"Yo, dudes."
[The deepest, most profoundly poetic quote of all.]
"Who's this clod? Oh. Exactly that. A clod."
"Okay, that was cute too."
"Don't know what that is, but I want it!"
"Ah, magical soda has saved my skin once again."
"Okaaay... stay away from me."
"My car! My beautiful and admittedly awesome car!"
[Geeroo's first loss.]
"See ya, street smarts!"
"Well, there goes Lightning McQueen."
"Nah, dude, I'm acin' this."
"Do not mess with a flamin' redhead, boys!"
"Oh god, it's hot pink. As if having your rear handed to you by me wasn't humiliating enough."
"All right, you destroy yourselves and I'll move in for the kill."
"Stinkin' saw boy!"
[saw boy]
"Sweet, baby!"
"Will you idiots shut up about my dad?!"
"Battler of the Wild? Gau really is a Car Battler?!"
"I'm coming, everyone! I'll save you!"
"Who gave all these idiots cars?!"
"They come to play, but they never last! Oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh, I'm unbeatable! Joe or Gau or whatever... Car Battle!"
"Wow. Singing, drunk, and shooting motorcycles. What a fun night."
[Apparently I decided I was drunk at some point. Understandably.]
"Why is everyone dropping chickens?"
"And alas, my cargo space majestically shrunk."
"Oh dear, car spiders."
[car spider]
"Did I just shoot at a bolt of lightning?"
"No! Joey has his whole life ahead of him!"
"Great, now the car spiders are electric."
[c a r s p i d e r]
"Cool! I just shot out a chicken!"
"Oh, a village full of creepy women? Wonderful. Where's the village full of hot spiky-haired boys for me to hit on?"
[Annnnd my brain cells have melted.]
"This music puts me in a mood. I could just shoot out chickens!"
"Ah, nothing like ticking off car spiders down the road."
[CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR SPIDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS DUH-NUH DUH-NUH DUH-NUH DUH-NUH-NUH-NUH]
"Yeah, that's me, Todoroki!"
"Wait, who the hell are you, and can you die fast?"
"Oh, just this guy again? Come on."
"God, stop going on about your love story! I've seen more romance in Super Mario Bros.!"
"Oh great, I got a fangirl too."
"I didn't know we were on a last-name basis, Blondie."
"What's this, the locker room?"
"I am so gonna kick his rear."
"Yeah, you just proved that you can drive aimlessly in circles and hit me a few times while your car sparks with damage."
"Haha! My fan club just knocked you over!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! Cool!"
"Eat your bloody chicken and upgrade my garage!"
"What's that?! Why's there an arrow?!"
"Did you know that I'm the son of the name of Jim Todoroki? Oh wait..."
[Name is my father.]
"What happened to the oldies? Did they join my fan club?"
"Oh god. I gotta help the grandparents of that girl with a crush on me again, don't I?"
"Well, this is slightly fishy."
"I took the long way out of laziness. Welcome to irony, may I take your order?"
"Even the mayor's a Gau Todoroki Fan Club member."
"Great, I got a stalker..."
"We're brothers now?"
"Well, that was rather charming."
[How to be charming in one easy step: laugh.]
"Whee, ice!"
"There's probably a plot twist... please?"
[oh god I'm about to break down aren't I]
"When it doubt, chase after cars and blow up everything in your path!"
"I need some flaming bedsheets of death over here!"
"Mazes... and idiots. Florence be damned."
[(amused snorting)]
"Ah, another of those cute moments. Followed by some ugly moron who's gonna get his face blasted off."
"Don't call my dad a fool, you freaking- you're the one with a metal block sewed onto your ugly mug!"
"I missed what you were saying. Now it's time to die."
"Well, that was easy- oh god."
"What the hell's that?! Looks like the Iron Masked Marauder made it!"
"Oh god, everyone loves me!"
"Who are you again? Ya look like you got kicked outta Team Skull."
"What the frick?! I won?! That took about five seconds!"
[Very disappointing, by the way. Some final boss that was.]
"General Gaufie speaks!"
"Did I just blush?"
[Most profound quote of the decade right there, mate.]
"Hey, what about that one annoying girl who hit on me?"
"Holy crap! What?! The credits are rolling?! I-I didn't even..."
[Dunno what I was gonna say after that. Anyway it's time for my TRUE breakdown.]
"Oh my god. The credits are rolling... t-that's it?!"
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 2]
"Oh great, my rival stalker man is crying."
[Hate it when that happens.]
"W-We're friends?"
"Hot dog! I get to go to the Battle League!"
"Yeah, me and my hot, fancy garage...!"
"God, it all escalated so quickly..."
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 3]
"Yeah, I'm a big boy!"
"God, I wish that idiot could see me now. wait until she learns that I beat up those evil morons."
"My life wasn't even threatened or anything... just some braggy dimwit..."
[Geeroo Breaketh Down Volume 4]
"Oh, another village to develop? Oi."
"A frickin' third one? This is getting slightly insane."
[...Just now?]
"Oh dear... well, here we go..."
"Hehe, I'm way cool."
"Yeah! A kid with spikier hair than you! And a fan club."
"Oh god. Now the creepy women have crushes on my dad."
"Ah, yeah, the girls..."
"CardOD!"
"I love this game, but sometimes I hate it."
[deep.]
"Hey, it's me, the Cement Savior."
[cement]
"Five levels?! What the hell?!"
"Oh no, I got zippy zapped. And you got shotty shot."
creys a lot
Jun 10, 2022
by
Gau
The Edgy Side of Dimensions has quite a few My Immortal references. Because I parody everything else, why not a horrifically crappy and disturbing fanfic?
Shrew Cart's clone, Catherine Mag'enta Alzheimer's Goose Northeast, is a reference to the protagonist, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Their names aside, Ebony is a vampire, while Catherine has fake vampire teeth. Catherine, as well as Archibald Benson, are also described in semi-vivid (and 'poetic') detail, much like how Ebony's outfit is described in annoying detail every time she changes it. Archibald Benson is described as saying things "emo-ly", "gothically", and "edgily", which is a reference to how characters in My Immortal are often described as doing things in very... odd ways. Such as "she jumped into the portal seductively", which is an actual line by the way. Deathberry Bloodcake's concert is yet another My Immortal reference, as Ebony often goes to concerts. Specifically Good Charlotte concerts. In Hogsmeade.
Also note that Catherine's eyes are often referred to as 'orbs' because it's stupid and tons of people do it.
Jun 8, 2022
by
Gau
Bee Pen Dimension 10 - The Edgy Side of Dimensions
"Hey, bestie? What is this?" Shrew Cart asked, poking her food with a fork. In celebration of their victory, the crewmembers of the Good Ship Pogo were making a ton of food so that Strawberry Shortcake and her friends could stuff their faces all day and all night. The problem was that she wasn't there, and neither was Spooky Simp Snake Man. And also that the crewmembers had the cooking skill of two day old children. "No idea. Looks like mashed-up bananas mixed with split pea soup to me." Bee Pen said with a shrug. The cook glared at them. "Hey, this is high-quality food! I even seasoned it with salt water!" he said. Upon hearing this, Shrew Cart suddenly devoured all of it as if it was the best thing since fudge. Then she burped so loudly that the ship rattled, which Bee Pen somehow ignored. "So, uh... shouldn't we try to find Strawberry Shortcake and Spooky Simp Snake Man or something?" he asked. Shrew Cart's eyes widened and she jumped out of her seat, tripped over it, and had to stand up again. "You're right! Come on, bestie! Let's dimension-hop to it!" "But aren't there billions of dimensions? What are the chances we'll end up in the right one? And if we did somehow end up in the same dimension, what are the chances we'd even find them?" "Who cares? Let's just do it!" Shrew Cart insisted. "Great idea!" Bee Pen replied. Shrew Cart hugged him, and they dimension-hopped. They then gasped upon seeing the place they were in. It was a city, much like Pee Bensville, except it was covered in more grafitti and the sky was dark. It also looked partially destroyed. "What... what is this place?" "No clue, bestie." Bee Pen took a few steps forward, gazing at the city in stunned silence. However, the silence was broken by a very familiar voice. "Halt!" He jumped and turned toward Shrew Cart. "What is it?" "I-I didn't say anything!" she cried, looking around for the source of the voice. Before Bee Pen could mention that the voice sounded almost identical to hers, a girl approached them. She had hot pink hair like a flamingo that was multiple feet longer than she was tall, glittery bright red eyes that were redder than red blood and more glittery than glittery glitter, glow-in-the-dark plastic vampire fangs that were somewhat green, a magenta dress that flowed like water from a hose with holes in it that had splotches of red paint on it and reached down to her ankles, one pink and one black shoe, so much makeup that it almost hurt to look at her, blood red eyeliner, and cat ears. Bee Pen and Shrew Cart's jaws dropped simultaneously. Under all that makeup and dyed hair, she looked just like Shrew Cart, and sounded like her, too. "Shrew... Shrew Cart?" The other Shrew Cart immediately became angry. "DON'T CALL ME THAT! MY NAME IS CATHERINE MAG'ENTA ALZHEIMER'S GOOSE NORTHEAST!" she shrieked. Neither Bee Pen nor Shrew Cart could comprehend what she had just said, understandably. "Why do you look so much like me?!" Shrew Cart asked. Catherine looked at her and scoffed. "We look nothing alike, you preppy poser! I'm the most beautiful seven year old girl to ever walk the streets of Kansas!" Tears then started gushing from her painfully red orbs. "W-Why doesn't anyone understand me...?! I'm so h-h-horrible and... and PATHETIC!" she wailed. Then she stopped wailing for a moment to see if Bee Pen and Shrew Cart were pitying her. They weren't. So she glared at them and continued to wail, but was interrupted by a heavy sigh. A boy stepped out of the shadows. He had midnight-black hair in an emo hairdo that was partially tied around his absurdly large gold earrings for reasons unknown, coal-black eyes, a ripped-up ebony t-shirt, a pair of pants that was as dark as shadows, and shoes whose color resembled the color of my toothpaste, which is black. Bee Pen and Shrew Cart's jaws dropped again, as he looked vaguely like Bee Pen. "Oh god, who are you?" Bee Pen asked, almost afraid to hear the answer. The other Bee Pen sighed heavily again. "My name is Archibald Benson." he said emo-ly while attempting to brush his black hair out of his black eyes. "Um, bestie? I think we should leave now. These guys freak me out." Shrew Cart muttered. "Yeah, same here." Bee Pen replied. But before they could hug, Archibald Benson spoke up. "But the concert's just about to start." he said gothically. "Concert?" "Yeah. We were gonna listen to my top ten emo songs from every single emo band on the planet, but we decided it'd be better if Deathberry Bloodcake sung edgy Kirby songs instead." he replied edgily. "Uh... what?" "You should really come to the concert even though I hate you both! It's gonna be so cool!" Catherine exclaimed, her glittery red orbs glittering like bleeding stars on a moonless night. She then grabbed their wrists and started dragging them around with her superhuman strength, Archibald Benson following gothically. It wasn't long before they reached a stage, which was black and red and downright painful to look at. Catherine tied Bee Pen and Shrew Cart to their seats and sat down next to Archibald Benson, talking about how much she loved the flavor of hair dye. "This... escalated quickly. If only we'd dimension-hopped..." Bee Pen groaned, struggling in his chair. "Don't worry, bestie. What's the worst thing that could happen?" "We're stuck with them forever." he replied. Shrew Cart immediately started screaming and thrashing around in her chair. But then the two of them noticed the girl on stage. She had a bright red mowhawk with blood-red tips, blue eyes that revealed so much depressing sorrow and simpiness, and an outfit that nobody cares about enough to describe. She was also three feet tall, just like Strawberry Shortcake. She grabbed a microphone as Kirby music started playing. "NOW THAT I'VE STALKED YOU AND YOU'VE KILLED MEEEEEEEEEE, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALL OF OUR EMO MEEEEMORIES! HAND IN HAND, REMEMBER ALL THE EDGY DAAAAAYS WE HAD?! LIKE A DREAM, EVERY LITTLE THING MAKES ME MAAAAAAAAAAAD!" she shrieked into it, her voice sounding like she was out of breath and had a sore throat at the same time. At that moment, to his horror, Bee Pen knew it was going to be an absurdly long day.
To be continued...
Jun 8, 2022
by
Gau
