The bartender says "Sorry, we don't derve faster-than light particles." A tachyon walks into a bar.
Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Seven was a well known six-offender
Legend says a legendary trainer, Guido from Jersey was the first one to have a zapdos, and it got its name when two guys from yonkers were dissing his rims, so he's was like "ay, yellow bird... zapdos guys over there”
The rest is history.
If the whole world is a Safari Zone, how many steps do we have before we all get kicked out?
In his new film, The Rock plays a caveman cloned through the same process as the dinosaurs.
He's now called The Bedrock.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
When asked about it, he said “Hay, it’s in my jeans!"
A german walks in to a bar and orders two martinis.
The bartender asks him, "dry?"
The german responds, "No, i said two you idiot!”
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
Should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Two wind turbines in a field. One wind turbine asks the other "what kind of music are you into?" The other wind turbine replies " I'm a huge metal fan."
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ catholic
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a parking lot.
A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... dos..." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" To which the bartender replies, "for you, no charge.”
A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he needs any help with his luggage.
The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light!”
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
-Why DIDN'T the skeleton cross the road?
-He didn't have any guts!
A woman pregnant with twins gets in a car wreck and falls in a coma. She wakes up weeks later and the nurse informs her that they were able to save the babies, and that they were named and being kept by her brother.
"Oh no!" The mother cries. "My brother is an idiot. He probably gave them awful names!"
The brother shows up hours later with the babies. First he hands her the girl and says "this is Denise."
"Oh thank goodness. Denise is a lovely name. What did you name the boy?" She asked.
He responded "Denephew”.
How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. When the bartender ask's him what's wrong, the pirate says "AAARRRRGGGHHH this wheel, it's drivin' me nuts!"
I've decided I don't trust lifts/elevators. In fact, I've started taking steps to avoid them.
Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "we don't serve Noble Gases here".
Helium does not react.
A Friend of mine would eat a Pb and jelly sandwich every day until he died of lead poisoning
My uncle fell into an anteater exhibit... good thing it wasn't his wife.
Two men walk into a bar.
The first man says "I'll have some H20.".
The second man says "I'll have some H20 too!".
The second man died.
How Many Ears did Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left, the right and the final front ear.
Nov 28, 2016
by
Toucanadian
