Hi everyone. I'm not usually the one to make these posts, but there are extenuating circumstances here that have forced my hand. Around Christmas time, I received a wall post from Hellfire Taco, completely unprompted, giving me a summary of the 2004 Christmas comedy film Christmas with the Kranks. I didn't know what to make of this at the time, just laughed it off as classic HT weirdness. Oh what a fool I was.
Around mid-January, a friend, also unprompted, asked to watch the movie with me. I thought this was an odd coincidence, but agreed to watch it anyway. And as I watched, something started to click, a secret message that HT, and perhaps the universe itself, was trying to tell me through this movie. I tried to get into contact HT, but something seemed off about his responses. I did some digging only to find that HT, the real HT, had been declared clinically insane the day after he had sent the wall post and was (and is still) locked in solitary confinement in a mental institution. This perhaps would have been enough for me to dismiss my previous revelation as coincidence, if not for the fact that someone claiming to be HT had responded to me. Someone who was trying to cover this up.
But what was that hidden message, you may ask? Well as it turns out, HT takes the role of the Tim Allen in the film, being pressured by his neighbors to conform, to "celebrate Christmas." Except instead of an uplifting change of heart at the end, he was arrested and thrown into a psych ward, replaced with a paid actor, who played the part of holly-jolly conformist in HT's stead (he must have predicted these events before he was institutionalized). And who are the neighbors? Well, standing in for Dan Akroyd as the leader of the group is none other than Fizztopher "Fizz" Fizzgerald. And his subordinates? Hoo boy...
You see, as I was doing research, plunging down the rabbit hole, I happened upon a secret group called the APRRBC, short for the Anti-Pork Rinds + Red Bull Coalition. You see, Fizz's Pork Rinds + Red Bull madness is not an isolated incident. Usually, the APRRBC rounds up and safely contains and/or disposes of addicts of the Pork Rinds + Red Bull elixir after it reduces them to a feral state, but Fizz is... somewhat unique. While Pork Rinds + Red Bull still gives him the increased aggression and deadly predator instinct indicative of other addicts, he seems to retain his intelligence, rather than going completely feral.
The APRRBC was not prepared for this, nor for Fizz's next move of gathering and taming other, already feral addicts to form his own Anti-APRRBC Coalition. (his group's members are estimated to be about 50 at this time, excluding allegiances). Additionally, he has the official allegiance of both the Pork Rinds and Red Bull corporations, who had been fending off lawsuits and "defamation charges" (not defamation if it's true, you knaves!) from the APRRBC for years. We believe the actor impersonating HT was provided by one of these groups.
I come to you, not as a hunter, as HT was, nor as a hacker or badass, such as HT's late friends, but merely as a scribe, to record these events for posterity and as a warning. While I did not accompany the sting operation that intended to take Fizz down, I saw enough of the aftermath and picked up enough things the survivors said to piece together a disturbing picture. It seems that Fizz's corporate alliances have supplied his group with an infinite supply of the elixir, and with nothing to slow him down, his physical abilities, and that of his subordinates, have increased exponentially. His group has already subjugated the entirety of Melbourne, and at the rate he's going, I fear we may not have long before all of Australia is within his greasy, rind-filled hands. And after that? I shudder to think of what comes next.
