Hello everybody. It’s me (Hellfire Taco), and I'd like to bring forward some very serious concerns about the integrity and future of this website. This does not involve the flood of poor quality April Fool's "jokes" from earlier today. That's a topic for another time. This is about something much more serious. As we all know, our moderator Fizz (given name Fizztopher) has done the majority of the heavy lifting around the place for at least the past two years. He’s done a great job at it. However, if you haven’t noticed, he’s been different lately. He’s been irritable, and at night he begins to act in a way that isn’t normal for him. He becomes violent, rude, and is unpleasant to interact with in general. This is a direct result of his diet. If you didn’t know, Fizz is not the healthiest eater. Unless you’re in Australia, you’ve noticed that Fizz is never on during the daytime. He only comes around at night. Wanna know why? Because 90% of his time during the day is spent eating pork rinds and drinking Red Bull.
This lifestyle was originally developed out of necessity. A couple of months ago, he had stated he was planning on going to the local two-pot blue (Australian for “convenience store”), but didn’t realize he had only brought with him 65 Australian cents, a paper clip, and a Totodile Pokemon card obtained from a Hungry Jack’s (Australian for “McDonalds”) Happy Meal until he was already there. Using his heightened logical skills and the authority vested in him by the Pokemon DB dot net, he was able to barter for a can of Red Bull and a bag of barbeque flavored pork rinds (which he, for some reason, calls "pork grinds"). The adrenaline rush this gave him never left his mind, and he’s been chasing this high, which he associates with the taste of Red Bull and pork rinds, ever since. It has even gotten to the point where he will crush up the pork rinds and stir it into the Red Bull, and consume the resulting paste for efficiency. This, of course, has taken its toll on him. Enclosed are some screenshots of a recent encounter that a highly respected staff member and longtime user had with Fizz, which should provide damning evidence of his transformation:
A close friend of mine has noticed this change in Fizz, too, and has been brave enough to speak to me about his heinous actions. When I told him I'd make a PSA about this, he asked me if I'd be so kind as to add his story to my post. Here's what he had to say:
hi guys its jim. fizz should be banned. he is so mean to felix. and also he has never contributed nothin to the web site!!! all he does is sit around and drink beer like my dad. he is probly fat also. he always ban a lot of people because he think they stinky ( actually he is the stink one) and also he is mean. he treats us like his slave and we have to bring him cookie or he will CHOP OUR HEADS OFF!!!!!!! that is how will died. basically fizz has taken ove the website basically he is is beantio mousinliney of pokemon. EVER WONDER WHY FIZZ IS TE ONLY ACTIVE MODERATOR???????? BECAUSE HE KILLED THEM REST OF THEM. poke amster only comes online sometimes because fizz captured him and said pokemaster you must live in my basement!!! so he only come on when fizz goes out of his house (to buy lotsa red bull and pork rinds ) and them pokemonster sneaky onto his computer and go on website to check if everything is ok! and it looks like it is!! because fizz is real good at cover his tracks. so basically. can you ban fizz. Please.
As you can probably tell, this person has been deeply affected in a negative way by Fizz. This is why I'm bringing this up. Fizz has become something horrible: a power-hungry, pork rind eating, Red Bull chuggin', stinky, sweaty, grumpy rat man. This is what a diet of pork rinds and Red Bull does to you, people. Before he found out about the high he got from his so-called "pork grinds" and Red Bull, Fizz was great. Doing well in school, helped the community, tutored struggling students, and he even read some books to children at the library a few times. He was a great guy. That was about five months ago. Look where he is now. Licking barbeque flavoring off of his fingers and shaking out his can to get every last drop of nectar from it. Playing League of Legends nine hours a day. He's not even good at it.
What can be done about this? I got together with a few users and we came up with some ideas that we believe will put an end to Fizztopher's diet, and, by extension, his abusive treatment of the users on the Pokemon Database. These users have all experienced Fizz's current state in some way or another, be it by being directly affected by him or being witnesses to his actions. They will remain anonymous for their own protection. Here is what we came up with:
- Ban Fizz. This is more of a temporary solution. Fizz has been pretty bad, but we don't want him gone forever. A ban for a few months will give him time to reflect on his actions. He could also be demoted, though this surely would not stop his reign of terror.
- Have somebody monitor Fizz. If we had somebody to watch Fizz and tell him off or give him a firm smack whenever he goes for a quick swig or to pop a rind in his gullet. We don't have many Austrialians active on Pokebase currently, but Sempi comes around every so often, and I'm sure they'd be more than happy to volunteer for this position. We could also install cameras in his house and somehow trick him into wearing a shock collar so that we've got 24/7 surveillance of him and can administer a little zap whenever he thinks he's safe and goes for a quick munch on a pork rind. Maybe we'd give him a shock every so often just because. It'd probably be fun to watch.
- Cut off internet access to Fizz's house. All we need is somebody brave and something sharp, or we can bribe his internet company. One of the individuals who collaborated with me on creating this, who will be known only as "the badass" has volunteered to intimidate his internet providers into cutting off Fizz. If needed, he is able and prepared to use force. Another person who worked with me, who will be referred to as "the hacker" tells me that the intoxicated state that Fizz enters after ingesting Red Bull and pork rinds leaves his mind in a quiet vulnerable state, during which he can easily get him to download malware that will prevent his computer from connecting to the internet, at the hacker's will. Anything works.
- Buy all of the pork rinds and/or Red Bull in Australia. This will force Fizz to either find some other form of sustenance or starve. Either will do. I'm sure, between all of the active users on this site, we can pool enough money together to buy all of the pork rinds and Red Bull in Australia. If we burn down his house, (which is more of a greasy shed) we can be sure that he can't get any from his emergency stash. Also, in case you're worried about him ordering off of Amazon or something, don't worry. He doesn't have a credit card. We only need to eliminate Red Bull or pork rinds from the scenario because it's the combination of the two substances that he likes. Only having one of these things will not do for him. He needs both.
- Sue big pork rind or Red Bull. We can pull this off. We can use them for damages or something. I don't know, I'm not too savvy when it comes to legal things, however they have caused a problem, so we can definitely sue either of them.
- Kill Fizz. I was initially skeptical about this, but the bad ass has told me that Fizz enters a sort of zombified state from Red Bull and pork rinds, in which he is a danger to himself and everyone around him. This state is similar to drunkenness, however, it is not unlikely that Fizz never returns from it. The only way to solve this would be to take him out.
Please consider these suggestions. We can either stop him or solve his problems, but it needs to start with an intervention. Fizz, say goodbye to your lifestyle of pork rinds and Red Bull. This has gone too far. I, and the rest of the Pokebase community, are putting our collective foot down.