Hello all users of pokemondb.net/pokebase. I’m Hellfire Taco. Charmed, I’m sure. If you’ve been keeping up to date with happenings on the site for the past three or so years, you’ll know that esteemed moderator Fizz has gone completely berserk and you worthless pricks have left it up to me to stop him. It’s not *** easy, and I’ve gotta juggle hunting down a crazed Australian man with school, where I’m tasked with ripping the spiciest guitar solos you’ve ever heard. This sort of work does numbers on a man, but I’ve finally got him. I’ve had to ruin the lives of various people, and end the lives of countless others but I’ve got him. Ladies and gentlemen: I’m THIS close to catching Fizz, and his reign of terror will soon come to a close.
But, before I do this, we’ve gotta get a few things out of the way first. First of all, why have I been the only goddamn person working on this? What? Too scared? Too worthless to do a little work and take down one of the biggest, most diabolical criminals of the century? Aw, I feel so sorry for you. Meanwhile, I’m over here, out in the middle of the ** DESERT, walking on a broken foot and blood, now dried running down my face from a tussle I got into with Fizz when I caught up to him in Melbourne. I haven’t seen my family in years, I have NOTHING. I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THE WORK. AND I GET NOTHING. And I’ve gotta go after another one of these sick *** “moderators” after I’m done, because they’re getting worse. I can’t say who, because I can’t let them get the jump on me, but let it be known: I, Hellfire Taco, will eradicate the powers that be on Pokebase. And I’m tired of you disgusting pigs, you disgusting pigs, you disgusting pigs. I hate you all. Disgusting pigs. Your blood will be on my hands, and I’ll smear it across my face in sweet victory. The iron-rich taste of the liquid that gives you life will fill my mouth as I drink your blood and bathe in it in a final catharsis before I bring upon myself the same fate I vow to bring upon you wretched beings.
With all that said, enough about what will happen. Let’s discuss the what has happened and what is happening. I've been keeping a diary whenever I find the time to write and it's been really helpful whenever I wake up in a cold sweat having completely forgotten the mission I'm on. Before I started keeping it, I once woke up in the middle of the desert knowing nothing of my situation and wandered for three days to the nearest city, in which I caught a glimpse of a scruffy Australian man that reminded me that I really want to eliminate Fizz. I killed the scruffy guy too, and Fizz continues to post, so he was certainly not Fizz and is nothing but a bump in the road for me. I see them everywhere, the decoys. Anyway, back to my diary, here are some excerpts that I'm sure will interest you:
April 2, 2023
I’ve tracked my target to a 7-Eleven in Melbourne. Subject is wearing a shirt and pants… trying to blend in. Currently purchasing pork rinds… lugging around a bag presumably full of Red Bull. The sniper I hired should have no problem taking him out.
April 3, 2023
The previous mission was a bust. The sniper was in fact just a homeless guy who took my money. Subject’s bartering skills allowed him to slip in and out of the gas station without leaving any evidence of ever having been there… other than the stench.
May 15, 2023
Target seen checking into hotel in North Melbourne. I’ve put explosives in every room. Upon asking the lady at the desk if a Fizztopher had checked in recently she refused to tell me and called the police. Hotel blown to smithereens. Another decoy.
June 4, 2023
Fizz lives. Damn it all.
July 24, 2023
Fizz has posted on my wall, a very clearly coded message that will surely reveal his location. A taunt. Disgusting pig. Upon trying to hire a decoder guy to decode it for me, he promptly asked me why, at which point I was honest. Police called. The Hacker will assist me in this endeavor.
August 8, 2023
I found Fizz’s car, the brakes are no more. Of course he drives a Kia. Sucker. Good riddance.
September 16, 2023
Jimmy’s birthday. I remember him from my previous life. Before Fizz took over. How I long for everything to go back to normal. But this is all I know. This reminds me that I used my last bomb in an attempt to hunt small birds for sustenance. Bomb wasted, bird evaporated. The heat is getting to me.
September 17, 2023
Went to the hardware store, running low on improvised explosives. What is a man without his improvised explosives? Nothing. A man is nothing without his improvised explosives.
September 18, 2023
Car blew up.
October 31, 2023
I know Fizz is hiding in plain sight… I can smell his awful musk. It’s incredibly distinct. I can track him from three miles away… Nobody can get in my way, my mission will be accomplished.
November 1, 2023
Plastic explosives are not allowed in most types of buildings. He got away again.
December 15, 2023
The Hacker has contacted me and he and the Badass are on their way to assist me. This ends tonight.
December 16, 2023
I barely made it out alive. The Red Bull grants him powers… unimaginable powers.
January 5, 2024
I have a plan.
And that plan was flawless. Immaculate.
In an attempt to lure Fizz into a trap, I got him in the studio, with the guise that I’d be helping him take his amateur rapping career (the third most important thing to him, next to Red Bull and Pork Rinds) to the next level with some high quality mixing and mastering, as well as a real sound engineer and producer, fully funded by yours truly. Now, unfortunately, this trap didn’t work, and the engineer and producer stopped me from sinking a bullet into Fizz when I pulled out my .45, he got away, and I’m out $1250 for studio time. The producer also wouldn’t let me keep what we had recorded, so no Fizz rap battle for you, unfortunately. Said he didn’t feel “safe” around me and was going to “call the cops” if I didn’t leave. Don’t know what his problem is. The so-called “police” are nothing but a setback to me and I find them incredibly problematic in my righteous crusade to eliminate the scum of the Earth (Fizz).
I did, however, record my own, entirely original song about Fizz. Recorded every track myself. This was recorded at a time where I still had empathy for the sick ***. I now have no sympathy and only wish the worst fate upon his horrendous life. Find it below.
I’m already far behind the Fizz trail after having typed up this post, and I fear for the worst. I must be on my way. Wish me luck. I need all the help I can get. I am accepting donations.
Farewell, my friends.
